NEW YORK, NY - In the pressure of the current business environment, humor isn't lost. Here are a few ideas for metrics and measurement tools I've come across in my travels recently that you might like to hear about:

• Aleanment Index: How you manage expectations for what will get done with fewer headcount than last year.

• Bland Awareness: A measure of how uninspiring your brand is.

• Brand Vasequity: A calculation of brand value taken after your marketing budget has been neutered.

• Customer Satisfiction: A metric that skews customer feedback in the most favorable terms for your next presentation to senior management.

• Dashbored: A comprehensive set of marketing performance metrics guaranteed to make your CEO's eyes glaze over.

• Dumbographics: Statistical data describing the consumer segment stupid enough to purchase your competitor's overpriced, poor-quality product or service.

• Mantric: The one metric that looks so good you hear about it over and over and over.

• Misery Mix Model: A statistical methodology for ascertaining exactly why your plans failed to achieve objectives.

• ROE (Return on Everything): What your CEO is demanding.

• Six Stigma: A set of visible marks on your forehead signify a failed attempt at improving the quality of the creative-development process.

Copyright 2009 MediaPost Communications. All rights reserved. From http://www.mediapost.com. By Pat LaPointe.
To view the Internet Travel Monitor Archive, click http://www.tripinfo.com/ITM/index.html.